how to put my emotions into words right now?

confusion...perhaps.
sadness...definitely.
fatigue...of course.

there is a tingling in my fingertips, there is a pounding in my head, there are tears pushing at my eyelids, and my chest feels heavy.

i am worried in more ways than one. no solutions to anything.

"fix it." "i can't. i can't fix anything." the pathetic cry of a discouraged girl.

the end for now.

we made promises to each other more than a year ago. way more than a year ago. i can see that you haven't kept up your end of the bargain. i don't know if i mind. i've kept my promise, for once. i've kept it, without a doubt. it's kind of sad to think that we will probably never talk again in our lifetime and that i will probably never ask you if you remember about that promise and i will never learn what happened.

facebook is starting to worry me. looking at the names of people i was once inseparable with, names that barely mean anything to me now. will i feel the same way about the friends i have now, at this moment in time, a year from now? probably. what are the chances of us staying friends? i hope they're high.

it's just life. it is what is so terrifying about life.

sometimes i care too much and sometimes i don't care at all.

rereading some of my past entries made me start to tear up because i still feel the same way about so many things. i still feel like i'm in a slump here and that there's no where for me to go. i'm scared of the future because i have no idea what i'm doing. i have no idea where i'm going, where i'll stay. i need to do better in school but somehow the hours flow past me and i don't know what i spent them doing, leaving me with an hour or two of sleep before i have to repeat the process. i don't understand. i'm frustrated at myself and my habits but i haven't made any effort to change. but i have to. i'm going to.

i want to be involved in everything and nothing at the same time. i'm trying to manage my time better by putting even more into my schedule so that i'll be forced to use the rest of my time efficiently. i hope it works. "i signed up for a practice time. it's too hard to get a time slot. i can't just skip it and go back to my room to sleep. i have to go. i have to. just do it." -- i have this battle with myself every day. it's tiring. i'm exhausted. physically, mentally, emotionally.

i have a busy weekend ahead of me. all-univeristy games & swan lake (ballet @ lincoln center) on thursday, steinhardt semiformal with my roommate and karaoke with the crew on friday, perhaps going to see oscar-nominated shorts at the IFC on saturday, and then forcing myself to study for the rest of the weekend because i have two midterms and a paper due next week. on top of it all, i know i really should apply to the internships that i want/need. the possibility of me spending my summer in NYC increases with each passing day.

when i was at lincoln center last thursday, right outside milk studios, right next to all of the fashion shows, i felt my heart breaking. i was so close yet so far from everything that i have wanted for so long.

i word-vomited here instead of editing/writing my essay. time to go work on that.

today was a strange day. i went from feeling emotionless to emotional.

florence, italy trip was awesome. it felt like ages ago, even though i've only been home for three days. i miss everyone there and everything about the trip. only thing is that i resent that it has made me jetlagged.

we are so close yet so far.

from my iphone.

it is weird to be home.

it is nice, but it is weird.

sometimes, i feel like i'm floating. i don't feel like i am as close with everyone as i want to be, but then i realize i was never close with some of them to begin with, so why am i upset by that now? i drift in and out of friendships every year but there are some that i especially want to preserve but i cannot muster myself to make the small talk necessary that will lead to the real conversations.

i just reread the last sentence i wrote. at college, everyone tells me i need to write shorter sentences to clarify my thoughts. obviously i have not learned yet. but i need to.

anyways. yeah. floating. like nowhere is home anymore. NYC is sometimes home. plano is sometimes home. split between two completely different worlds that i both call home. sometimes, i don't know what to do about that. i don't know what my future will lead me to and i don't know where i will end up. isn't that what life is supposed to be about? isn't that what is supposed to be so thrilling about life? the uncertainty? the breathlessness of it all?

well. i guess we'll see. nothing much i can do about it right now. i just know there is so much more i could/should be doing.

when i googled myself a few weeks ago, i found the jane chen that i wish i could be. the jane chen that helped HIV/AIDS children in china and is the sponsor/creator of the embrace infant warmer. that is the jane chen i hope i will one day be. the one that helps the world. that's all i want.